Memories...

When I was 16 years old my Dad owned a gas station. This provided me easy access to alcohol. I had a serious drinking problem. I didn't know it at the time but I used alcohol to numb myself. I could drink and not feel anything and that's how I spent my time. When my Dad padlocked the beer cooler I had to turn to hard liquor because it was harder to sneak the beer.

I would take what I could get my hands on and then find me a place to be alone and just drink. I didn't always drink alone. Sometimes I would hang out with people I called my friends and drink with them. I would try to get home before my Dad closed the store for the night so I could be in bed before he could see me. This didn't always work out and there were many times that my little sisters had to clean me up and put me to bed. Sometimes they didn't get the chance and I would wake up covered in the previous nights vomit. When I think back on it now I don't understand why I couldn't stop. But now I have something I didn't have back then that keeps me from falling victim to my old vices.

One specific memory I have that I don't ever want to forget, is a time I had hidden away in my memory that God used to show me something amazing. I was 16 and I had just gone through a huge fight with my Dad. I was in trouble for staying out too late and of course coming home drunk. Our fights usually ended up with hugs and me saying I was sorry and would do better. I always intended to do better, I truly wanted to.

After this fight with my Dad I found myself sneaking a tall can of beer. Yes I knew it was wrong. I just told him I was going to stop. I told myself I was going to stop. I promised and when I promised I intended to keep the promise. I took my can of beer out the back door and sat down behind a shed and cracked it open. I took my first sip and my Dad walked around the corner and sat down next to me. He just looked at me with this look in his eyes that I could not explain then. He was so disappointed yes, and I was ashamed. I cried I wanted to stop, I wanted him to love me and not be mad at me. But he didn't take the beer away. He just looked at me with his disappointed eyes and something else that I couldn't tell at the time. Then he got up and left me there, alone.

Twelve years later I know so much more about what was going on in my Dads eyes and my own soul. I am still tempted to drink but today I have something in me more powerful that this temptation. I have Gods Holy Spirit living in me and giving me strength to fight the temptations. The hole in my soul is filled and I don't have to turn to those things to numb the pain of my existence. I no longer have this pain because I am healed! Praise God I couldn't be who I am today if he wasn't part of me. He makes me who I am. I am a sinner, I would turn back to alcohol if he didn't keep me from it. I am thankful for my salvation that God freely gave, I just had to accept it.

My Dad looked at me that day with disappointment and abandon. He had given up on me right then because he didn't know how to help me. The only thing that could have helped me then was Jesus. If my Dad had the peace of God in his soul he could have offered this to me as well. He could have told me about Jesus, but he didn't know him so he had nothing to offer me. He loved me still and he wanted to help me but he had tried everything he knew to try and nothing worked.

There are so many parents today trying to save their children from the sins of this world and they are failing because the only cure is Jesus and they don't have him. You can't offer what you don't have. I praise God that I have the antidote to offer my children and any others God gives me the privilege to influence. You can give your children fancy clothes, toys and things but none of that matters. Give them Jesus, teach them every day about the savior who loves them and gave his life for them. Our children will face harder trials in the future and they can't hope to win the battles without Jesus. He is the only way.