THREE SIDES TO EVERY STORY....

The saying goes there are three sides to every story, my interpretation, their interpretation and the truth.  I accept that.  I agree with it.  I know that as an imperfect human being there are faults I have that I'm blind to.  I believe I have always strived to allow others to open my eyes to my failures and work to improve.  I am stubborn and it doesn't happen easily and I won't deny that I will argue and back you in a corner to try to prove my point and justify what I want but in the end I can admit to being wrong.  I can admit when I finally accept a failure or a fault and I can acknowledge that I struggle.

Today I am no longer asking for permission to finally open up and reveal my interpretation of events that have led up to this day.  I'm not seeking revenge so if that's your belief then don't bother reading any further or checking back in the future.  I accept that there's a lot of people that will choose to believe someone else's judgement of my character no matter what is said or done.  There are people who will freely allow themselves believe what is said about me and my character as fact without ever seeking to know me.  I have lived my life for the last two years surrounded by people who do not know me and have made no effort to do so.  Instead they believe the twisted reality shared with them by my ex-husband.  My hope is that through sharing my interpretation of this reality I will be able to heal and rebuild my life.  I also pray with my whole heart that someone or Erich himself will see something here that leads to healing for him also.  Erich is abusive.  Those words are harsh and I've restrained myself from exposing this fact publicly.  I kept hoping things would get better.  I hoped we could continue counseling.  I hoped that setting healthy boundaries for myself would help Erich to do some self reflection of his own.  I was wrong in it all.  It hurts and I will carry the scars of the last four years for the rest of my life as will my children.  On the bright side... I choose to take what is bad and try to work out all things for good.  I am not standing on my word against his.  I have recorded phone calls, saved text messages and save video clips from the surveillance system that Erich had installed in our home the day we moved in.  I was allowed access to they system periodically if I behaved properly.  I learned to use recordings as much as possible from the master himself, Chief Erich Higgins.  The only difference there will be between his recordings and mine is that I share everything.  There's no editing.  There's no cutting out the bad behavior on my part.  It's all there and it's all going to be available day by day because I am not accepting the shame of the picture he has painted of me to anyone who would listen.

I chose to try again to reconcile with Erich Higgins at the end of September 2017 because I love him.  I was a mess and I have done so many things wrong because of the guilt, pain and regret that I have over the pain that I have caused others.  For four years I went against my own heart and conscience and allowed myself to make decisions and act in a way that I knew was not right.  I did this many times in an effort to make Erich the top priority in my life.  I loved him and he was my husband and I believed he loved me.  It should speak somewhat to my character that my first husband Chris Horn is still to this day one of my biggest supporters.  He knows me.  We were married for 15 years and he understands the heart of my intentions because he lived it in our marriage.  Sadly, my behavior that contributed to the longevity of my first marriage allowed my second marriage to destroy my life.

I'm 37 years old and moved in with my Dad and Alice.  I love my dad and I am so thankful for my family who love me and came to my aid on such short notice and in full force.  I chose to leave Erich finally when I just accepted that no matter how much effort I put in, no matter how much I sacrificed, no matter how long I waited I was not going to be treated with the same love and respect by Erich.  Not ever.  I could also see that because I was not accepting the abuse any longer that me standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries was causing so many fights and Erich was also unhappy.  My children were all unhappy.  My choice was to just shut my mouth and submit to whatever Erich laid out for me.  Let Erich make the rules that only I had to follow and contribute to live in limbo silently.  That was the only way for peace.  He would've been satisfied with that.  I would have been able to live that way had I just had the simple reassurance that what I was working for wasn't going to be taken from me.  I financially and physically worked and gave to build a life in our home in Fair Grove.  I was shocked when he was able to do as he has and completely rob me and my kids of everything but I trusted him.  I gave him the power to do that to me.  So I accept that.  I knew the person he was and I knew better than to put myself at his mercy but I did it anyway.  

So that's enough word therapy for today since I have mountains to climb.  The rest of what is in this post is just copied and pasted from a different blog.  I was going to start a new one but then I realized how much history I have here with this one.  Erich has been able to demolish my life and lie about who I am and what he has done.  This blog is me.  It's my life, my history, who I am.  I am not what he says I am and my goal isn't to convince one single person that believes otherwise.  My goal is peace, healing and rebuilding a life my children can be part of.  Taylor is 9 years old and the only one I have left living with me.  He will have to change schools again and he sleeps in a room with his momma who cries a lot and still he smiles and loves and hugs and is just the most precious soul I could have been blessed to have with me now.  It's time to rebuild and heal.

Starting Over....

I'm 36 years old.... (37 in November but who is counting?)  I never imagined I would be starting over at this point in my life.  Ten years ago I would have been horrified to see where I am today.  However, as I type this post on Friday, October 13th 2017 I am not full of dread imagining the work I have ahead of me.  Instead I have hope and faith.  

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

I have hope that no matter what my future holds or the obstacles in my path that through Faith in powers beyond my comprehension, I will prevail.  My goals are not to seek fortune or fame.  I aim only for peace.  Peace for my soul, for my children and my partner in this life.  We don't always get to choose who walks the narrow road with us.  I believe fate guides us to kindred spirits who will share the journey.  Through good times and bad, those who are by my side are dear to my heart and I will move Heaven and Earth to see them happy and content.

Their happiness is my happiness.  So, starting over isn't so awful.  It will be a great adventure.  I'm ready to work for it.  I'm ready to battle. "For we know all things work together for good." 

I'm ready to work for good, to strive for greatness, to promote love and peace.  

Here I am... Starting Over.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

I wrote this April 7th, 2017.  My son needed me during a time he was struggling and needed me.  He had asked to come live with me and told me how unhappy his was and why.  Those reasons do not matter now and they are not the point of why I am sharing this now.  When my son came to me for help I should have put him above all other priorities.  I wish I had been able to do that.  Instead I left to Kansas with Erich so he could hunt turkey's.  I had wanted to stay, asked to stay but I was not allowed to.  I did not put up much fight over the issue because we had just gotten back from the hunting trip to Florida for a week that I had not wanted to go on.  I spent a week in a one room hunting cabin while Erich hunted from sun up to sun down.  I have always supported and encouraged Erich's passion for hunting so understand this is me shining a light on abusive control not bitching about his hunting.  I didn't  want to go on either hunting trip but I was forced to because Erich deemed me untrustworthy to remain home in OUR house.

So by leaving for 3 days I let my son down.  I chose to again put Erich first and I spent 3 days cold, miserable and alone at a campsite in Kansas while Erich again hunted from sunup till sundown.  When we returned home I returned to find that my son no longer treated me the same.  He no longer opened up and reached out to me.  I blamed my ex-husband and other circumstances but the honest truth is I had only myself to blame.  I chose to please Erich instead of making the needs of my son a priority.  I chose to again try to please a man that does not love or value me or my children.  I wrote this afterwards...

April 7th, 2017

I lost him again... So many times, irritated I'd spit my words... "Logan go away! You're driving me crazy!"  Now my soul screams for him to stay...  Silently begging, praying my soul will somehow reach out to communicate with his... To let him know, to feel how much I love him.  How much I miss him.  How much I would give anything, everything... just to go back in time and choke down those words every time I let them fall from my lips.

He's my son.  He's grown so tall, so handsome and so heartbreakingly distant.  I helped shape him, create him... I am his mother.  He grew inside me and I loved him from the start.  I protected him, I nurtured him, I taught him... and I let him go.  

Two years after I chose to find love, I lost my son.  He was stolen from me.  As I chased after my soul that was captured by a man I fail to please... The wolves crept in and stole my son.  I wasn't watching... I didn't expect it... I'd been too trusting.  Now I cannot win him back.  No amount of begging or tears... nothing will win him back.  If only I could undo all those words... all those times I shoved him away.  If only...

I thought I had been a good mother before... It's only been these last few years that I have faltered... Or has it?  Was I ever a good mother?  Was I ever good?  I used to believe I was.  I used to want nothing more in this life than to do good... to do right.  Yet I falter... I fail... I set out thinking with my whole heart that my latest venture of passion is just and true... But in the end... here I sit... alone... Forsaken.

In time my story will spill out here.  I have to type it now.  I cannot journal as I used to.  My hands are sick and to hold a pen and scrawl across the page would mean numb hands and unending pain as I lay down to sleep.  

All the sadness... the regret and worry... the anxiety... the pain... the anger... it all consumes me.  

Is this really how a life of striving to do right ends?  Is this really all there is left for me?  Will all the joy and blessings I brought to this world be forever forgotten?  Why does this world hold only me accountable as it also falters?  Should we not all be condemned equally or pardoned the same?  Why is my standard of measure so much higher than the standard of measure for those holding the ruler?  Why?

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Standing Up For Yourself Is Not Selfish Revenge!

I have typed out several opening sentences, deleted them, stared into space for a while, typed another only to delete it as well.  For the record I am stating right here and now that this blog is not to slander, attack or cause harm in any way to any person.  This blog and everything in it is for my healing.  If you are reading this now you either know me or you know him.  For the past four years I have remained silent as far as publicly shaming my abuser.  I am sure I have some Facebook posts here and there that I shared in times of frustration or desperation, but I have never gone as far as I intend to now.

My heart is broken and my life has been destroyed.  I take responsibility for my part in the last four years that led to me sitting on a bed, in a room, in my Fathers house with only my youngest son Taylor clinging to his mother.  He goes where I go no matter what and he has endured far too much heartache for a nine year old boy.  My three other children are not far from me.  They are living with their Father a few miles down the road.  I get to see them daily.  They come to see me willingly and stay and laugh, visit, eat dinner and just enjoy the togetherness of us again.  The days of not seeing them for months and then having five minute pit stops to hug me when their Dad came to pick up Taylor.

I said hello to someone in the grocery store today who I thought was a (mutual) friend to me and Erich (my abuser.)  I called out a cheerful hello but was not greeted quite so kindly.  The man was not rude to me but I could tell it was not a genuine reply.  I questioned him by messaging on Facebook and his reply told me all I feared that my abuser was continuing to do was true.  

I chose to leave Erich.  I chose to end the abuse by making the hardest choice I have ever had to make in my life so far.  I chose to leave because continuing on was hurting everyone.  No matter how much I gave or how hard I tried I could failed over and over to live up to Erichs ever changing standards.  I scrambled around daily doing everything I felt he had communicated to me that was necessary to redeem myself for past mistakes and be worthy to be with him.  I lived in fear daily that this might be the day I was again forced to leave our home.  I say our home because it is OUR home.  I sold my dream, my business and sacrificed all I had to achieve what we did together.  The only reason Erich has the power to force me and my children out of OUR home is because I gave him that power.  He communicated to me that our prior living situation in Buffalo didn't suit him and we discussed and planned how we would change things in the future, compromise and both be happy.  I trusted Erich would keep his promises and I fully intended to keep mine.

Life with my abuser was terrorizing.  I was questioned, accused, bullied and sometimes physically assaulted.  The focus was always on me and what I was doing and for this last round I didn't even own a car for 3 months out of the 5 months we've been trying to reconcile after he succeeded in divorcing me and ensuring that legally I was at his mercy if I wanted the life and the dream he had promised me when we made the choice together to buy the home he took and live the life he is living.  He didn't force me out this time.  I chose to leave.  I chose to end the constant unhappiness for myself, Erich and both our families.  

I'm not going to be very organized in presenting my side of the story.  I am not going to pour that much time and effort into explaining every tiny situation.  I have to earn a living and time is precious.  Everything you see here is my attempt to find healing and peace.  I remember a conversation I had with Erich on June 30th 2015.  He had moved out to live where his job dictated and he was at the house we lived in prior to moving so that we could throw a birthday party for his beautiful blue eyed daughter.  We discussed our future and we made the choice that night sitting there talking that we loved each other and we would fight all the obstacles to be with each other.  I shared something with Erich that night that I hadn't realized about myself prior to our conversation.  I felt that we were both looking inside ourselves and sharing our thoughts, hopes, pain and fears.  I felt that deeply and while talking I realized that one of the hardest and most painful thing for me to cope with was when I have been misunderstood or misrepresented and am not allowed the opportunity to explain myself.  To know that someone has a view of me and my character that is based upon the misrepresentation of others or through gossip and lies is something that cripples my soul and ability to have hope.

I am afraid all of the time.  Taylor and I live with my Dad and Alice.  They rescued me and they love me.  They sacrificed for me and they suffer through this with me as I struggle to live my life.  To live my life I need peace.  I need closure.  I need to stop being afraid.  I need to be confident in my decisions and not question every tiny thing I do.  I need to accept and acknowledge that allowing someone to dictate my entire existence was damaging to myself and my children and all who know and love us.  I have to admit that for four years I was the only one with the power to stop the suffering for everyone, including my abuser.

This may not ever be read by anyone.  That is ok.  There may never be one single soul who stands and says abuse is abuse whether it be physical, psychological or emotional.  There may never be a single soul who sees any abuse in the goings on of my life for the past four years.  If that is the case it is well with my soul.  It is well because I am standing up.  I am shouting loudly and I am not going to be silent and hang my head in shame and be accused and shunned.  I am not what he says I am.  I have never attempted to stand up and defend myself against his slander and lies.  I shouldered all thew shame and filth he dished out.  I knew the reason I became isolated in our home was because he couldn't be seen out with me being happy and in love, that would cause confusion and people might question his portrayal of my character.  He couldn't consistently allow me to have a relationship with any of his family or friends because then they might see that I am not who he says I am.

The hardest thing for me to swallow is when people who know me and also know him choose to turn their back and refuse to acknowledge I have a right to speak.  If he was worthy of respect enough to be heard when he told them I chose drugs or he kicked me out or I was lazy and did't contribute my fair share financially or that I was an alcoholic and a liar and a whore....  To those of you who allowed him to fill your mind with an image of me that is false I call you out.  I fully accept that I have done wrong and I have publicly apologized for so many of my wrongs and I have always made an effort to make amends to those I hurt.  I'm not perfect.  I never claimed to be.  But I am human.  I have a soul and a heart and I have value.

When I met Erich I was at a point in my life where I was more successful, more confident and the most healthy mind body and soul.  I owned a home with a husband of 15 years and 4 awesome kids.  My first marriage was not a bad marriage and I thank God daily for Chris and the kindness he shows to me still after all the hurt I've allowed to enter our world and the lives of our children.  

I cannot say that I regret loving as much as I loved.  I gave all I gave and I ended up where I am now because I put the man I love above all things.  When I left I was leaving for him.  He does not love me.  He does not love.  He was more concerned over whether or not I was going to take the deep freezer than the fact that 40 friends and family members were there to move me out of his life.  

Erich left me many times and each time he did I chased and begged and pleaded and was willing to do anything he asked of me to prove myself to him and nothing was ever enough.  In the end I left knowing I would never get a true apology.  I would never get the appreciation I craved from him and he would never put me first as his companion and partner above all other and all things.  He would never make right the wrongs he inflicted to my life and my children also.  

I have freely admitted and acknowledged my failures and wrongdoings.  I have behaved badly as well.  I have lashed out in anger, I have used substances to hide from reality.  What would you do if you had just blindly given over your entire life to the person you love and helplessly had to endure the horror of watching them break every single promise and take for themselves what is not solely theirs to take.  Before Erich my children had a safe home and I did as well.  Before Erich I owned my own business that I loved and had poured my soul into.  I handed those things over willingly entrusting that Erich was sincere in every plan we made and really wanted a life together with me as his one and only. 

Erich has no shame in what he has done.  He justifies it all.  Selling my dream, my business is what provided the money to begin our dream together.  He stole it.  He is adamant and smug that it is his and I'm worthless and deserve to be where I am.  So be it.... That's his version and he vomits it out to anyone and everyone.  I trusted Erich and gave him the power to do this to me but I protected myself from being blamed and misrepresented when it was finally all over.  When Erich left me the first time to move to Fair Grove he tormented me for a summer with an on again off again relationship.  I was struggling and trying to do everything he demanded but I had begun to recognize his sickness and the pattern in it all.  It was like a 500 pound boulder crashing into my chest the first time I discovered that he secretly recorded me sometimes.  He would provoke me until I was just overwhelmed and my emotions took over and I had an emotional melt down.  He would then record my hysterics and only share that and act as though I was that way for no reason at all or if there was a reason he had no idea why.  Erich has forced me to end friendships, family relationships and if I ever requested the same reasurrance from him I was bullied and attacked or he would blatantly refuse and be sure to rub in my face the relationships he continued.  

Now that I have painted a small picture of my truth I will proceed to share recorded phone calls, recorded conversations, surveillance camera video clips and anything else that I have saved in the last two years.  Erich used his recording and shared our text messages out of context in an attempt to portray me in a horrible way to anyone who would listen.  I haven't shared the recordings, text messages and video's until now because I had hoped that he truly intended to reconcile our relationship this time.  I always believed whatever he told me just so I could be with him because I truly love him.  I chose to leave an abusive man who does not love me and has made every effort to destroy my life as much as he can.  There was no just reason for him to do what he has done to me.  I am not deserving of this and anyone who can see the whole picture and still pat Erich on the back and excuse the selfishness, deceitfulness and outright evil behavior should hang their head in shame.  What Erich has done to me, his wife, the woman he swore to cherish and protect and put above all others is wrong.  He may one day say the words "I'm Sorry." He is not sorry and will never be.  He feels just and right in all he has done.

 Personally the way I see things... The people who work in emergency services are daily expected to save victims of danger or misfortune.  As I have endured the abuse from Erich for two years he has manipulated his co-workers and police officers and others with the authority or ability to stand up to him and hold him accountable for his wrongdoing.  He is the Fire Chief of Fair Grove.  He should be a man of honest moral character who has empathy and protects people from harm.   Erich has been allowed to hold his respectable position of authority as he ruthlessly played me for a gullible fool.  Where are the men of God who attend church services and worship an almighty all powerful creator and have a duty to defend the defenseless? Law enforcement officers that see the truth and instead of honoring their duty and holding the abuser accountable they just turn their backs on me or try to intimidate me.  Everywhere I turned seeking help I was greeted by a closed door.  I did not deserve this end, my children did not deserve this end.  So I do the only thing I feel I have left to do.  Expose the abuser.  Heal my mind, body and heart and guide my children in doing the same.  So here I go... about to hit that publish button and then proceed to use all my available data to upload everything.  

If no one ever cares or bothers with listening it won't matter.  What matters is it's there.  The truth is in the phone calls, text messages and video's.  I won't edit any of them.  No splicing and showing things our of context.  This was my life.  Daily accused and berated, put down and degraded, demeaned and taken for granted until the day I said no more and sacrificed for the last time.  I shattered my heart and my hopes that the promised dream would be once again given back to me if I could just prove I was deserving and worthy.  I left him.  He didn't beg me to stay.  He never loved me anyway.