This time of year is always a struggle for me. I thank God that he's shown me this weakness and I'm able to fight it. It's hard to fight when you don't even know there's a battle taking place. It was about four years ago that I realized I have this weakness. For some reason I just tend to get depressed around this time of year. Maybe it's because I am longing for spring who knows. I just know right now I'm am at a low point.
I've struggled with drugs and alcohol in my life. I've been sober for ten years... there has been the rare occasion that I've stumbled with alcohol but God has always led me back to him and my stumblings don't last long. I haven't had a relapse in over four years thanks to the fact that I finally realized my times of depression were a cycle. I am able to ask for prayer and tell my husband that I'm struggling and this has helped me get through some hard times.
I know without a doubt that if I didn't have a constant friend in Jesus that I would never be where I am right now. He has kept me together when otherwise I would have fallen to pieces. The Bible says he will never leave me. I believe it. I am so thankful that my salvation is not dependant upon my own feelings. Right now I feel worthless. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I feel ugly. I feel numb. I know that these feelings will pass and it's all part of being human. I know these feelings are not reality. I'm not worthless and I do matter. Knowing and feeling are so different aren't they?
I used to think that depression was a choice, that people chose to be depressed. I didn't have a clue what I was talking about. I don't choose to feel this way. If I could will myself out of this depression I would do it right now, but I can't. All I can do is pray and wait it out. I have to be strong and not give in to temptation and self pity. Does anyone else go through this like I do? I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this other than to say thank God I have Jesus, without him how lost I would be.
One of my favorite hymns....
Without him I would be nothing...
Without him I'd surely fail...
Without him I would be drifting...
Like a ship without a sail...
Jesus Oh Jesus...
Do you know him today...
Do not turn him away...
Oh Jesus Oh Jesus...
Without you how lost I would be...
3 comments:
I found you searching around for other young mommies to read from :)
I can really relate to this post. Thanks so much for sharing. It's time for spring, isn't it?!
I know what you mean... I don't think anyone can understand what depression is unless they have dealt with it. I hope you get feeling better. Love you lots! I can't wait for Spring to some either!!! I think the sunlight and nice weather helps us be happy! :) It certainly does for me. It's good that you rely on Christ to help you through this. You know where to turn for help. :)
I read this and say why?
why would you feel this way when you are the best mom in the the whole town of buffalo. why you are the best wife that any husband could ask for if you dont bleave me ask chris.
Why u are a daughter that any dad in this world would be so very proud of as i am of you.
Why you are young and everyone around you are all in good health.
Why u have the voice of an angel and have learned some of the finer arts in life.
Why as i watch your progress in life you are always so creative and bring so much joy to others in your family.
Why you are our rock in life for your brothers, sisters, mother, father, grandparents, your kids and husband and in laws.
I guess i will end this by saying cowgirlup put a big smile on and dont worrie be happy cause you are the apple of my eye and the best daughter in the whole world love you more than you will ever know.DAD
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