God is in control.

I was looking back through my blog that I've kept for the last four years... Wow four years I can't believe I've been at it that long. I am shocked at some of the things I've put on here. LOL I'm a nut. I am a big journal keeper. I write in my journal almost every night and I keep one for each of my kids that I try to write in for them on occasion. I even have one for Chris. So reading back over my blog I realized I was journaling all over again, except I was sharing it with the world. Sometimes I think about people reading my journals and yes the thought is intimidating. What would they think about the things I've written. That's kind of how I felt about some of my past blog posts. I was even tempted to erase a few, but I didn't. I don't sensor my journals for fear of someone reading them in the future either.

When my Grandma Sheila passed away I received a copy of one of her journals. I gained insight on her life and felt closer to her knowing her true thoughts. When I write in my journal I write what I'm feeling and thinking and things that have happened to me. I am as human as anyone else and I change my mind and opinions as I grow and learn. I'm not afraid to admit I have been judgemental and harsh. I have been wrong in my views when I thought I was right. Sometimes I will go back and read old journal entries and I'm ashamed at myself. I love it though because I can see myself growing as a person. If you read my blog and you do as I've done and go back and read my old posts take this all into consideration. I am human, I am a sinner and I'm still learning.

One person in my life I've been the hardest on is my older brother JR or Dallas as he'd rather be called, but I can only call him JR as I have all my life, sorry bro. My choices in life are different from the ones JR has made. When I see what he does with his life I have gotten angry wanting better for him and being mad that he wouldn't make better choices. I've learned over the last couple years that I am only in control of the choices I make. I have to love people and not condemn them for the choices they make.

A few weeks ago I heard a radio broadcast about intentional living. I decided I was going to make a better effort to love my brother. I called him just to talk and I intended to do it every week. It didn't happen... I didn't call him again and then I got a call from my Mother last night saying he had shot himself in the chest. That is all the information I had at the time. I didn't know if he was alive or dead. I was scared to death that my brother had passed from this life and I would never get another chance to tell him I loved him.

I frantically ignored the advice of my husband to be calm and I began calling my family desperately trying to find out more information. As I was scrolling down the list of contacts in my cell phone I saw the name of my best friend Amanda. She dated my brother in high school so I called her to tell her and cry to her. When we were done talking I told her I was going to hang up and call my sister Mandy. She told me "Kristie no, you hang up the phone right now and get on your knee's and pray." She was so right. I did just that when we hung up I prayed and begged God to give my brother one more chance. JR can do great things and I believe God has a great plan for his life. I felt peace after I prayed and I was able to calm down.

Little by little I gathered more information and God has given JR another chance. I know JR has a hard road ahead. Things are not going to be easy for him but I have faith in God that he will lead him through whatever comes at him. I just pray that JR has the strength to endure. He has a lot of family who love him and want to see him do good. I believe in him.

Writing this blog has been therapy for me in a way. When my Mom moved to Hawaii this was my way of keeping her informed about my family and I used it as a public journal. It's a strange thing that millions of people do and it makes me wonder why? Why we all feel the need to share piece's of ourselves with the world. Times are changing so fast and things get more and more hectic every day. We don't know when our time on earth will end. Some of us don't even think about our eternal souls and where we will spend eternity. Don't get so caught up in this world that you are caught unaware at the end of your life. Don't get so wrapped up in your own life that you ignore those around you that need your love and support. I have reassurance that I will be in Heaven with Jesus. My faith is from God's word and what he has shown me through it and through my life. I intend to try to be a better sister to my brother. I am just thankful I am getting that chance.

My Brother & I