Do you ever feel like you're going through a Desert phase in your life? That's me right now. There's not a lot going on and usually I could find something to blog about anyway cause I have tons of useless stuff popping around in my brain. For some reason I've been having a really hard time with that lately though. My brain has been totally empty! Ahhhh! I sit down trying to think of something... anything... to write about and I have NOTHING... Strange. Maybe my mind has been taken over by aliens :o.

I started closing the store on Thursdays. Chris is off most every Thursday so it gives us a chance to spend more time together and since we're not going to open the paintball field for games on Sunday's anymore it's another day we can have games out there and not have to do it on Sundays... Ok did that sentence even make sense? Anyway I'm tired of missing church all the time, or being plain worn out at church because of paintball. I really like to play and it is also a business but I think the whole family has been feeling the stress of being too busy.

I was happy last week when Chris told me he was wanting to slow down. I told him I no longer wanted to work in a pawnshop... well actually I originally told him that when he decided he wanted to open one so I finally was able to speak up for myself and make a decision for me. It might sound selfish but here's my perspective. If I have to work I would like to be doing something I don't absolutely hate. I know there are lots of perks like being able to take off whenever I want and being able to have the kids at work with me, but that job just drives me insane. I spend all day scared to death that someone is going to come in and cause trouble.

I haven't said much on my blog about the pawnshop, mostly because I hate it so much. When I met Chris he had taken over his dad's gun and pawn business. After being with Chris for a year I started working in the pawnshop so he could do construction with his Dad. Finally, after doing that for four years I told Chris I really wanted to try being a stay at home mom. I was pregnant with Logan and I was already having so much trouble packing Emily up to the store every day and as nice as it seems to be able to take your kids to work with you, it's a lot of work.

I really feel like God wanted this for our family as well. I would be able to devote more of my time to taking care of my family and that's what I really wanted to do. Then I was disappointed when Chris said that we would have to sell the pawnshop instead of just close it. I thought for sure that it would never sell and I would be stuck working there forever. It did sell, in only three months. I was officially a stay at home mom as of August 30th 2002, one month before Logan was born. :)

Now in a way I feel like we went backwards... Last year Chris wanted to have another pawnshop. I was pregnant with Brett and had started working for Chris's dad in his outlet store. We really needed the money and I have a hard time trusting that God will provide. So I went to work when I should have stayed at HOME. That was my big mistake because I got sucked into doing this pawnshop again. Chris really wanted to do it and I refused. I said NO NO NO. I couldn't have been more clear, or rude about it. Eventually I gave in and he opened another gun and pawnshop.

Then I had to run the pawnshop while he did construction with his dad... It's felt like going backwards to me. Now Chris has a really good job and he doesn't want to close the pawnshop but he knows that he is not going to be the one working in there so he gave me the choice to make. It's a hard decision because Chris's dad has a lot of interest in the store. If we close it we owe him a lot of money. I want to close it so so bad but I don't know what the right thing to do is. I said above that I'd already talked to Chris and we're going to close it. That's the final decision we came to but I've been feeling so guilty.

I hate it because I said in the beginning NO I want no part of it. Now I feel like I'm hurting people by saying no again. I also feel like my family and my spiritual life is suffering badly because I am in a situation I hate and feel trapped in. I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

Funny I guess I did have stuff to write about after all. Even if it is just complaining. I did some bad things a month ago. Things that I know are wrong and I feel like God has turned his face from me. I know he won't leave me but I also know he won't look upon sin. I don't know how to get back to where I was so I can grow again. I'm so stuck and I'm so sad, I just don't know what to do.