What a day!

I am so glad things went well and we won't have to do this again. Logan did really good staying awake. He played on the computer and ran around the house like a crazy kid until 12:30 am. We woke him up again at 4:00 am. This was tricky. I put him in the bathtub and washed his hair. This helped him to wake up. He played on the computer again while I got dressed and we took off around 5:30 am. His appointment wasn't until 7:30 but I couldn't sit around the house and stay awake.

I drove to Springfield alone with Logan so it was tricky keeping him awake. I brought his blocks and let him sit in the front seat. I turned the light on above his seat and talked to him the whole drive. He tried to nod off once or twice but I interrupted him each time with a silly song or more goofy chatter. When we got to Springfield he was so funny. He kept calling all the big trucks "Power Ranger Trucks." Everything is a Power Ranger to him.

At the hospital it only took a few minutes for them to admit him. Then he got to ride down the hallway in a wheelchair. He loved that. We were early of course, so we had to wait about 40 minutes after being admitted. Logan played peek-a-boo with people getting on and off the elevators and slipped and slid around the floor in his spiderman slippers. I can't believe how much energy he had. I was exhausted. If he would have sat still for a second he'd have been asleep.

When we got in the sleep room we got to sit on the bed while the nurse stuck all these little probes to Logans scalp. They had to glue them on because Logan kept trying to pull them off. By then he was a little cranky and she was interrupting the cartoon he was trying to watch so of course he wasn't cooperating. It took about ten minutes to stick all the probes on and then they turned off the lights and we lied down. Logan was asleep in less than three minutes.

They monitored him sleeping for about 45 minutes. They had me wake him up a little bit at a time while they stuck a strobe light right in his face. That was pretty weird. Then they had to use this solution to get the probes and glue out of his hair. He hated that. He kept telling them "OUCH You hurted me." Poor little guy. He really did a good job though. I had to carry him back to the car when we left. Man that kid weighs a ton.

I was shocked that I made it home without having to pull over. I was so tired. Logan and I crashed on the couch when we got home around 9:30 am. We woke up around 2:00 pm. I am still in a zone and can't wait for bedtime. Logan is still going 100%. Where do kids store their energy?

Change of Subject.

Last night I didn't get to sleep until 2:00 am or so. When I was trying to stay awake I figured it would be a good idea to catch up on some chores around the house. Chris was playing games on his X-Box. I mentioned to him that I could use some help. Fourty-Five minutes later, when I had finished everything he got up and took out the trash. Now this is not a husband bash. I make a point to try and only say positive things about my husband. I am just writing down events that lead up to my breakdown. It bugged me that Chris didn't get right up and help me when I asked. I kept stewing over it as I did more laundry.

Now a little background is needed to fully understand my breakdown. We are a family of five. We live in a two bedroom home. The basement of our home is unfinished. Since I met Chris we have been trying to finish it. When it is done there will be three bedrooms, a laundry room and a bathroom down there.

As I was picking up the house and doing laundry I kept seeing all the clutter. The kid's bedroom is the worst. We just do not have enough room. So I was letting myself get angry at Chris. When we finally laid down to go to bed I was writing in my journal and doing what I don't do here, complaining about my husband. Anyway Chris and I got into an argument over this. Finishing our home is something I desperately want but really can do nothing about. It's not like I can go down there and frame the walls. I'm angry about all the empty promises from Chris to work on the house. It makes me resent things that Chris enjoys doing like working on the paintball field, and the store. These are good things and I don't despise them really, it's just the fact that they are important to him and our home is not.

I am a really emotional person. I let things like this build up to where I just want to walk away and never return. I don't know how to deal with the disappointment. If I were to never say anything about our house I feel like Chris would never do anything. He says that is not true but I don't agree. I need to honor and respect my husband. I am trying. How can I get this out of my system? How can I not focus so much on what I want and instead focus on what I have? I am so grateful for our home and our family. I get so mad at myself when I start to despair over things I want but cannot have. Why?

It's like I'm fighting a war with two sides of myself. There is the part of me that wants to look on the bright side of everything and be content with what I have and where I am in life. Then there is the side of me that feels betrayed, angry and taken for granted. I suppose I will always have these two sides of myself. My spirit fighting against my flesh. At least God is faithful and I have him to rely on. I sure can't rely on myself as emotionally unstable as I can be.

I really wanted to post this. I was looking over my posts and I don't want to seem like a blind Christian who sees only good in everything. I know there is good and bad in everything and my life is not perfect. The only way I can deal with the curves life throws at me is because of Gods protection and Holy Spirit inside me. Praise God I don't have to go through this alone.