Feels So Good Feeling Good Again ;)

Today is a great day! I've been listening to Christian music lately while I do chores. It's so amazing how music inspires the soul. I feel so happy and blessed. Usually I grumble through my chores wishing someone else were doing them. Today I cleaned the kitchen, took down the Christmas tree, vacuumed and washed some clothes. I was able to do it all with a cheerful disposition :o) I love music.

I'm looking forward to a fun day of paintball today. It's a really nice day outside, the sun is shining and it's so warm. Hopefully that will inspire others to come out and play. It would really boost Chris's spirits I'm sure. I'll take the camera out and take some pictures.

Starting at the beginning of my day things were running smoothly. I woke up this morning and went to the grocery store to get some things to make for the Chastain funeral lunch this afternoon. I was home by 8:30 am. I picked up our dinner mess from last night and cleaned up the rest of the house. I started cooking after that and cleaning the kitchen. I made cocktail meatballs, cheesy mashed potatoes and baked beans. Chris's aunt Sue said the family was expecting around 75 guests maybe more, for the dinner and she said we needed lots of food. So instead of my usual one dish I made the three.

Things started getting hectic. We needed to be at the church at 11:30, the lunch started at noon. I wasn't able to get into the shower until 11:00! Chris closed the store and came home to help me get the kids ready PRAISE GOD. I would have been so late without his help. We made it to the church at 11:45 and oh my goodness! I've never seen so much food. I think this was the biggest dinner our church has ever put together. There were probably 75 to 85 guests plus all of the church members who were helping prepare the dinner. There was so much food left over. When it was time to go home everyone was sharing their leftovers and I ended up with a whole meal for the family tonight.

Anyway the funeral for Wilma Chastain was so lovely. The family was so wonderful trying to make me feel good about singing and Gail Chastain, Wilma's husband is so special to Chris and I. I feel so blessed to be asked to do such a thing as sing at their loved ones funeral. Wilma loved our songs we sing at church and she was always such a great inspiration.

Brother Brad did the services and he was so great. He told a story about Wilma's last few weeks that really touched me, and helped me with some disappointments to come later in my day. Wilma was in so much pain at some points of her last few weeks Brad said, with every breath she would just cry out in pain. The nurse working the late night shift had to come in and take Wilma's vital signs. Wilma couldn't hardly sleep because of the pain but when this young woman came into the room Brad said that Wilma put her pain on the back burner. He said Wilma told the young woman that she would be ok she was taken care of, but Wilma asked her did she know Jesus Christ?

Wow. To be so strong in your faith to not question why but only to yearn for others to know Christ as well. I still had one more song to sing when Brad told this story and it touched me. Wilma knew God's direction for her life. She didn't question or complain that God let her have cancer. Instead she used it to work for God. Wilma had such a wonderful testimony for the Lord. I was barely able to make it through our last song after that without breaking down but God helped me through it, and I'm sure Wilma did as well.

Now if you've been reading my blog lately you might know that Chris was applying for a job working for the City. He went Thursday night for his interview and the board of alderman were to vote and notify the person who got the job today. We were at Wilma's funeral most of the day so Chris was not answering his cell phone. Chris stopped by City Hall on his way home to check up with them and was informed he had not gotten the job. There were two other applicants applying that interviewed as well as Chris last night. I was so disappointed when Chris told me, and I know he was as well.

We printed out a year end financial report and had a meeting tonight with Chris's mom and dad. We owe Chris's dad $21,000 right now. We were able to show his parents how the business is doing in it's first nine months. The future for the gun & pawnshop looks so bright. The dim part is our personal finances. We were really hoping for Chris to get this job. Since he didn't we are both really at a loss for which direction we should go. God's will is not always so clear and I just don't understand. I feel like we are really really trying to live a good Christian life and raise our family to love God. When we found out Chris didn't get this job we were both lost and angry.

Now that I've had more time to think about it Wilma keeps coming to my mind. Even now that she is no longer with us she is still doing good. I have to seek Gods direction. I'm feeling lost right now I know, because I had my sights set on this one thing. It was not Gods will or Chris would be heading to work Monday morning. I also know I can't sit around crying and questioning this. I need to say "ok God you're right you know best," and I need to crack open my Bible and dig. That is the only way I can make sense of this and find the right direction in which to travel. Besides if I'm angry and discouraged then I'm sure that's not going to make Chris feel any better about it.

Anyone out there reading this please say a prayer for my family. I praise God for my church family and for other friends I have. I know God will lead us in the right direction. Sometimes its just so hard to get there without some shoulders to cry on.

Forgiveness is a tricky thing. The definition of forgiveness is, the act of pardoning somebody for a mistake or wrongdoing. We talked about this last night in our Bible study class. Now I know Christians are supposed to be forgiving. Not only Christians really but everyone for their own well being should be forgiving. If you don't have forgiveness and you hold a grudge it is like poison for your soul. Bitterness and unforgiveness only hurts the person who believes they've been wronged.

Ok but lets say we look at God's example... God is ready to forgive us any transgression, unconditionally IF we repent, or are sorry for our wrong doing. So wouldn't that mean that you cannot forgive someone who doesn't want forgiveness? I know in your heart you might be able to let go of any hard feelings or bitterness but can you forgive someone who is unrepentant?

I would have to say no. God does not forgive the unrepentant. There are consequences for their wrong doings. Although I don't see God sitting up in heaven steaming over all the things people are doing wrong and not repenting of. I also do not believe you can hold someone accountable for a wrong doing they are unaware of. If someone has wronged you and they don't come and ask your forgiveness I believe you should go to them and explain the situation. You have to at least give them the opportunity to seek your mercy. God does that for all of us, we should follow his example.

So for an example. Lets say my best friend steals something from me. I should go to them, confront them and seek repentance from them. If they are sorry and ask my forgiveness I should give it freely. But if they are unrepentant I think, you should, in your heart, let go of any anger and bitterness. But you don't have to extend the former trust you did before the incident. That would be the consequence for their unrepentance. Being angry and bitter will only make you miserable.

It's just a curious thought. I always assumed no matter what someone did to me, I was commanded by God to forgive them unconditionally. I now believe that is not true. If there is repentance then I forgive unconditionally. If there is not repentance I let go of any anger and bitterness and have forgiveness ready when the offender is ready to receive it.

Any thoughts?

There is an older couple who goes to church with us, Gail and Wilma. They are such a special couple and have been mentors to both Chris and I. The love they have for each other is so encouraging and I love them both so much. A couple years ago Gail was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He went through all his treatments and then this last year he finished his tests and treatment with a full recovery. It was such a blessing but then during the same time his wife Wilma was diagnosed with bone cancer.

They are such an amazing couple. They praised God through all of this, knowing he has a plan and he is with them. The last six months or even longer I believe, Wilma has been really fighting the pain of her disease. She has been unable to attend church a lot of the time. She loves her church family and really wants to be in church but the medication and pain has just been too much for her.

I've visited them in their home a few times. I really admire their love and devotion not only to each other but for their Lord and savior. They truly are a great Christian couple. Gail is so devoted to Wilma and he's done so well taking care of her it's amazing to see such love for another person. I believe they recently celebrated their 50th anniversary.

Wilma has been in the hospital for the last seven weeks. She has been extremely ill and in a lot of pain. She requested that everyone not send flowers since that would be such a chore to get everything home when she gets well. She also didn't want visitors. She is such a selfless woman. She didn't want people she loved to see her in pain and suffering. She wanted for everyone to wait and visit her when she got home.

She got better and went to a nursing home for a short while. During that time I had a horrible cold and Gail advised me I should wait till I was better before going for a visit. I waited, and soon Wilma came home. Everyone was so blessed she had gotten better and seemed to be doing so well. I intended to go visit her soon. Then she was hospitalized again. I thought about going to see her so much and I would always hear everyone talk about how she didn't want visitors when she was so ill. So I waited. I waited too long.

My mother in law informed me this afternoon Wilma died this morning at around 5am. I am so angry with myself. I waited too long. I loved this woman so much and I wasn't there to help her in any way. I did pray which they both would have told me was the very most I could do. Even though to me it felt like the least. I know prayers are answered and I believe God has answered Wilma's prayers. She is no longer in pain and her family and friends no longer have to suffer seeing her in so much pain. I still wish I had seen her just one more time. The last time I seen her was the last time she was able to attend church. She was such a strong woman and such a great blessing in my life. I will never wait again. When I feel I should pray, or go visit with someone, I will go right away.

So I'm thinking about getting a second job. Chris will hopefully get the job he applied for with the city and I will work in the shop here during the day while he does that. I have also been thinking it would help a lot to get a job in the evenings waitressing or something. We owe Jim lots of money and I just don't think we'll be able to pay him on the salary Chris will be making alone. If I went to work for the next year I think I could have him paid off and we can still keep our business. I am a little worried about how that might affect our family life. Chris and I will not see each other much at all. I'll be with Brett and Logan all day during the days I work here at the gunshop but Emily will be at school most of the time. I don't want to never see my family and have our family suffer for the sake of making more money. I however would like to get Jim paid so we can be on our own.

Chris is so excited about paintball. The last few days he has had lots of people come in the store interested in paintball. He took of just now to head to Springfield to get some air and extra paintball supplies. I'm happy to see him so excited. It's good that people are starting to realize we are doing paintball here as well. Chris has been in the store which has helped a lot because he's been able to talk to people about paintball and get them interested in coming out to the field.

I need a good kick in the butt to get myself motivated to do some laundry. I think it's been almost a week since I did any and I have so much to do. I was going to do some today and Chris needed me to come down here so he could run to Springfield. I don't know what's wrong with me I just get so bummed doing the same old things all the time. I guess everyone probably goes through that.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas. We had a really nice time hanging out with the family. Dinner was great and the kids were so cute opening their presents. Brett was so funny. He just dove into the piles of wrapping paper and would bury himself up to his neck in paper and boxes.

Chris was pretty grumpy Christmas Eve. Him and his dad don't exactly get along all the time. He cheered up for us Christmas day though and things were a lot better. He hung out and played video games with the kids. He fits in great :p I tried to take lots of pictures but it was hard with everything going on and I was trying to help out with dinner and stuff. I did finally get a family picture taken and some of the kids.

I am still praying for Chris to get the job he is waiting on for the city. He won't know until the board votes. They have a meeting scheduled the 29th of December. For now it's nice to have a break from work. I've been able to stay home with the kids for the last week now and it's great. I don't think I'd want to go back to staying home full time but for now it's relaxing. We just have to be careful since we really don't have any income right now. We don't have any saving either so we just have to get by on whatever we can from the gunshop. We aren't really making a profit right now but hopefully we won't have to make a lot of loans at the end of the month and we'll get by. I know things will be ok, I just hate not knowing how :p

Ahhh just wanted to share this cute picture of my nephew Kyle. Isn't he sweet.

Mom and Ken left this morning. Emily was so sad it was pitiful. She asked if she could go with them but she didn't understand that they weren't coming back. I kept telling her they are going home but she forgets home is now Hawaii. Emily was very happy to have been able to see them though. Logan cried when they left too. He's a big baby anyway but that was just sad. I'm glad they were able to come see us, even if it just a short visit. We had a good time. I think Ken liked his Christmas present too. I made sure he opened it before they left because it's a good travel companion. A lighted handheld poker game :p I love those games and this one is so awesome cause it has a light on it and you can play it even in the dark. It just doesn't get better than that ;).

Chris has gone to Springfield to buy paint and other paintball supplies. I'm excited about getting to play tomorrow. Hopefully we'll have lots of players show up and be able to make some money and have some fun at the same time. Emily and Logan went with Jim (Chris's Dad) out to the farm. They get to ride around in the gator (a six wheeled mini truck thing) and feed the cows. They really like that. I am here with Brett who is crawling around the store leaving behind him a trail of destruction. It's almost time for his nap though and then I'll have a little quiet time. I think I'll work on my Christmas letters for my in laws. Tomorrow will be busy so I probably won't have any other time to do them since we open presents on Christmas Eve. Today is also Jim's birthday and the kids got him some accessories for his truck. Logan picked out popsicle air fresheners. That boy just loves popsicles.

I took a new picture for my profile. I love pictures. I wish Blogger let you have more than one picture for your profile. I always have trouble deciding which to use. That's probably why I change it so often :p I'm glad I can post as many pictures as I want with my blogs. Like I said, I love pictures. I need to work with Logan on taking pictures though. I don't have many pictures of him and the ones I have aren't very good, cause that boy won't hold still for a picture. I couldn't get him to go over and give Mom and Ken hugs goodbye so I could snap a few of him. Little booger boy!

Emily's play was so cute. My Mom and Ken, Chris's Mom and Grandma, Me, Chris, Logan and Brett all came to see her. Emily was a snowflake, they sang lots of songs and she even danced with a little boy. It was cute cute cute! I taped it and Chris took pictures. Emily is pretty excited about Christmas break. She told me today there is no school for twelve days. Emily was a snowflake in the play and her lines were "I'm a snowflake most enticing, everybody loves my icing." Her best friend Lauren who is in the picture with her was a cookie.

Brett really likes Ken. It is so funny. He crawled up on their pallet this morning and woke them up and just sat playing with Ken. Now every time Ken comes around he just laughs and plays with him. It's pretty darn cute.

When we got home my Mom and I made cashew chicken, eggrolls, and crab rangoon. It was a really yummy dinner and I enjoyed the time I got to spend with my mom. I just wish theat it wasn't such a short visit. It can't be helped though. Ken has to see his kiddo's and I'm just thankful for the time I got to spend with them. This is turning out to be a good week. I've had some much needed time off, even though that means Chris hasn't worked. I'm still praying he gets the job with the city. We'll know by the first of January. If he doesn't get that I'm not sure yet what we'll do. It looks like he won't be working with his dad anymore because his dad seems to have quit. I'm thinking that's a good thing though. We'll be able to finally be totally on our own and I think Chris and his dad will get along better if they're not working with each other.

I am thinking of writing a Christmas letter to my mother and father in law. I've seen this idea through a yearly family letter my aunt Lorraine sent out. It would be a good chance for me to tell them how much they mean to me. It's kind of awkward trying to do that any other time, but Christmas is such a special time I think it would be appropriate. I don't have much time to write one up :p I am also looking forward to church Sunday morning. I got Emily another Christmas dress I am going to surprise her with that morning. I am happy, I am blessed, Life is good.

My Mom and Ken (her husband) made it in last night. They got here last night around 9:00. Today we are all going to Emily's school play. It's a little strange they are having it at 1:30 in the afternoon, but Chris's mom is taking off work to be there so Emily is really excited.

It was really fun last night I burned off some home video DVD's and we watched them before going to bed. I'm so glad we have our camera and are able to catch the kids during these times. It's going to be so fun to save these memories and show them to my grandkids. I can hardly wait!

OK! I feel so much better now. I just talked to my Dad and I am very reassured. I even got to talk to Clayton and he definitely sounds like a happy little boy. I'm sure he does miss his mommy but he is not traumatized like Jamie made it sound. I know she is probably very upset but she is also not stable. Clayton is definitely much better off at this point with my Dad. I hope that eventually Jamie will straighten herself out and be able to provide a more stable environment for both of her boys. I also hope she does not poison her other son against my Dad. She's already said that Colton her other son is angry with my dad for taking Clayton. I am a firm believer in family but I don't think children should have to suffer with unfit parents. It doesn't take a lot of money to be a good parent. All it takes is responsibility and love. I personally think you need both. You can love your kids with all your heart but if you're not responsible you cannot provide for them emotionally and physically. That is just my personal opinion. Anyone out there reading this please pray for Jamie that she can get her life in order so she can be a better mother to both her sons. Pray for me to that I can stay out of the middle of this. After talking to my Dad it seems to me like Jamie may try using me to get to my Dad. I need to just stay out of it and that's hard for me to do sometimes, I always feel there is something I should be doing to help in these situations.

Chris went with his friend Mitch to go reposess a motorcycle this morning. Every once in a while Mitch needs an extra driver, or in this case help loading the bike in the back of his truck. Mitch had an accident three or so months ago and hurt his foot really bad, he'll be in a cast still for another three or four months. Chris likes to go, too bad there isn't enough money in it, to do it for a living.

This guy came into the store this morning and he was all fidgety and was making me nervous. He asked me as soon as he walked in if I had any lighthouse stuff... I said I didn't think so and he went looking around the store. Then he was heading to the door and he stopped and asked me if I knew of a place that sold lighthouse stuff. LOL I was not even sure what he meant and I told him that and he said he just wanted like statues and stuff. I told him I had no idea and he left. I get some weird people that come in here and it makes me really nervous a lot of times. I have a pistol loaded back here and if I see someone who looks shady coming to the door I always grab it and put it close by, but I still get the shakes. I'd hate to have to shoot someone :p I need to target practice. I haven't shot a pistol in years.

My Dad's ex-girlfriend called me last night. She was all upset at me because apparently I'd said something to Chris's cousin Matt, the guy she is seeing now about why my Dad took their son away from her. It's a totally long story really. Jamie is my dad's ex-girlfriend. They were together for three or four years. They have a little boy together Clayton and he is two.

Anyway they broke up this last year and Jamie hooked up and moved in with Chris's cousin Matt. It's a huge mess really. She got into drugs and everyone was really worried about Clayton. I kept telling my Dad that Matt's house is not a good place for children and I know this for a fact because all of the things I hear from Chris's family and from my own experience. I was friends with Matt, he is the one who introduced me to Chris.

So my dad stepped in and took Clayton from Jamie and he has been living with my Dad since November. I talked to Matt on Friday and he was calling my dad lots of names and saying he was horrible for taking Clayton. I was defending my dad and told Matt he only took Clayton because he thought he was in danger and not because he wanted to hurt Jamie. The only real proof I had of that was a letter I'd been told about, that talked about her relationship with another Matt. Well when I said that apparently Matt had suspicions that Jamie had been cheating on him with another Matt. So he went back and told Jamie and she called me about it last night.

I really tried to stay out of the whole thing and Jamie thinks I hate her guts. I told her last night everything I had said to Matt and why and I told her I didn't hate her and would like to help her if I could. I was very honest and told her I had encouraged my dad to take Clayton from her because she had admitted to my dad that she was doing drugs. I felt so bad for Jamie, she is really so upset and misses Clayton so much and he misses her. If someone took my children from me I can't imagine how horrible I would feel. On the other hand I know that with the lifestyle Jamie is living Clayton needs to be with my Dad. In the long run he will be better off. I really just wish I could have stayed out of it. I tried but I should never have said anything to Matt. I was trying to defend my dad because Matt was cursing him so bad. How do you stay neutral in situations like this? I really have no allegiance to Jamie at all. We're not friends and she hates all of my family now so I don't understand why I feel like I need to help her. I haven't talked to my dad yet but he sent me a few messages telling me Jamie is lying to everyone to make herself look good. She sounded so upset last night and I really was sick to my stomach over the whole thing. What should I do?

I stayed home today to try to clean up and do some laundry. It's amazing how much laundry piles up when I miss even one day. I have to do at least two loads of laundry each day or else it piles up horribly. My mom will be here sometime this week so I am trying to clean up a little more than usual. Unfortunately Logan and I spent most of the day eating popsicles and watching Spiderman :p I think we ate five popsicles. I did get a little laundry done and I think I get to stay home again tomorrow.

It never ceases to amaze me how great God is. I always get so caught up in myself and my immediate family and the things that are going on with us that I don't see the big picture. For the last few weeks I've been dreading this upcoming Christmas program at church. Chris and I have also been talking about taking a break from youth organizing activities. I even let myself start to feel like we were unappreciated. Boy did all that change in just two days.

Yesterday was such a busy day. We had church that morning and then drove out to the paintball field. Luckily since we had the tournament Saturday we didn't have any players on Sunday. We were able to leave from the field early to get back to town to start getting things ready for the program. Kelsey (a girl from church) was with us so she was a lot of help getting things ready.

The play went off really well. Everyone really seemed to enjoy it and the kids had a really good time. Things don't have to be perfect for everything to go smoothly. All the worrying I did was all for nothing.

When everyone went downstairs afterwards for cookies and hot chocolate I was amazed at how many people stayed. Usually folks only stay for the play, but about 80% also stayed for snacks. The bad thing is I totally forgot to make the hot chocolate ahead of time. It worked out though because we had just restocked the refrigerator with juice boxes and soda for the kids. Most everyone wanted soda anyway, we didn't use very much hot chocolate at all.

Then after things were over a lady with three young kids in the youth group thanked me. She said I know you and Chris do so much for the kids and I really appreciate it. There were so many other people that thanked us and all the kids were having such a good time and they were so happy. When Chris and I went to bed last night we were talking about everything and I noticed something. I may not be very good at planning events and organizing things but there is one thing that both Chris and I have. We connect so easily to all the kids, without even trying. It mostly amazes me with Chris. He is so not a people person, but he was laying there talking to me about all the kids and who he picks on and teases and plays with... I knew right then that is the reason God has placed us where we are.

Needless to say now I feel guilty for all my complaining and whining. I have a new perspective now and I feel blessed to be where I am. Today has already shaped up to be such a great day. My mom informed me that they will be coming to visit this week! I am so excited to see her. It feels like she's been gone for years lol and it's only been since August. Emily will be so excited to see her. Chris also called on his job he applied for with the City and they are sure he will get the job even though he will not be able to start till January. That is a huge relief and I'm praying so hard he will enjoy working there.

Also I got a very special Christmas card today. People think Chris and I are crazy for being friends with people we've met on the internet. We've had four people so far that we've met online visit us and stay in our home. One couple has even visited twice! We're not crazy, we have talked with these people for years online and shared pictures, talked on the phone and sent letters and presents. To me it's like I know them even if I've not met them face to face. My Christmas card I received today was from one of my online friends. He is a very special friend to me, not because I've known him forever or because he comes to visit us. I've actually never even spoken to him on the telephone. I do however talk to him through messengers almost everyday during the week. Even if it's just a hi? :p how are you today? I've always felt like this friend of mine didn't think of himself too highly. He seemed bummed out and sad quite a bit. I made it my personal goal to befriend him and try to bring a little cheer to his day whenever we talked.

I thought for a while I might just be annoying the heck out of him but I really wanted him to be my friend. We had a conversation about friends one day and it was so funny. He always said I was more of an acquaintance, which I can totally understand because we've never met and he has a high standard of qualifications that have to be met before he calls someone his friend :p He told me one day that my definition of friend and his were just different. It never bothered me I understood. He said his definition of a friend would be someone he would rescue from a burning building. Of course I had to make a joke of it and I told him I couldn't believe he wouldn't save me from a burning building. It was very funny so everyone laugh! :p

Then I received a Christmas card from him today. It was very special to me. He sent a very generous gift for our family. A $300 gift card. I was so shocked. I cried, Chris told me we were both nuts. All this time I've been trying to get my friend to send me his address so I could send him a birthday present, and now a Christmas present and he wouldn't until he sent our family this gift. Now I can send him my gift even if it's not near as generous as his gift, but the really special part, the one that made me smile was the way he signed the card. You're Friend. Just when I was about to give up and have a grouchy Mr. Grinch sort of Christmas God used someone to turn that all around.

To my friend: If you're reading this, I can't thank you enough and I'm glad to be your friend. My family thanks you so much. God Bless You. Merry Christmas everyone!

Yay! We won second place in the tournament today! :p Too bad there were only three teams that played ;) That's okay though at least we didn't get third haha! It was a lot of fun. We played three rounds. We didn't expect to have a lot of players mostly because it was a fundraiser tournament, and there were no prizes only medals for winners.

The weather was great for playing though. Just right so I didn't get too hot wearing two shirts and sweats under my camo pants. It was starting to get pretty cold around 4:00 when we all left. I even got to shoot Chris when we were playing a few games after the tournament ended. Got him right in the goggles so he got some paint in his mouth :p I'm too mean.

We had a little birthday party for Brett afterwards at Chris's parents house. Chris's mom made spaghetti and cupcakes. Brett is allergic to dairy and the cupcakes were chocolate but we let him eat some anyway. We didn't have a candle for him to blow out so we just sang happy birthday and let him dig in. It was a really good day and I am so happy tomorrow is the Christmas play at church. When it's over there will be a lot less stress and I'm pretty sure Chris and I will be stepping down as youth organizers :p Yay! Pass the torch on to someone else.

I went to Springfield with Chris today to get paintballs and air for the tournament this week. There probably won't be many people there considering it's supposed to snow Saturday. We're having a paintball Turkey Shoot too :p That should be lots of fun.

I am so glad the Christmas program at church is almost here. I won't have to be worrying about it anymore. I'm always racking my brain trying to think of what I'm forgetting to do. I need to be a better delegater. There are lots of people in church who could be helping and instead of asking I need to just delegate responsibility. If things don't get done then maybe more people will step up and try to help. I really do feel like it's time for Chris and I to step down as youth leaders. Neither one of us are really "into" organizing events and such. We connect with the kids really well, especially the teenagers. They seem to like us and we enjoy them as well, but as for the organizing of events and programs... That is not really my calling. I'm just not good at it and I feel like I let the kids down by not having more functions.

Having a full time job with the gunshop I also don't have a lot of time for planning, and I can't take off during the week to do things. Most of the kids in church are homeschooled, and so I can only do things on weekends and for me weekends are full now with paintball and stuff. I don't want to feel like I'm bailing out on the church or kids by giving up this position but I really do feel if someone else with more time were in charge the kids would benefit. How do we approach this though without sounding like total quitters? We still want to teach the Bible study class on Wednesday nights but as for all the party planning and such we're really too busy for that these days. Any suggestions? Does anyone even read this thing? :p I know you do Chris now gimme some advice! ;)

Today has been such a stressful day for me. I am so worried about finances that I just can't think about anything else. I know that God wants me to trust him, and not worry and fret over the future. I try so hard to do that, and mostly I fail. I always feel like there is something I should be doing or something that I am not doing right. I worry that our family's financial struggles are my fault, because I am not following God's direction. It's so hard to know what direction God wants me to go. Especially when I'm not listening to him, because I am so worried about this's and that's.

When I start to worry I have a hard time concentrating on anything. That keeps me from reading my Bible, because who wants to read when you have to reread the same sentence five times because you forget what you've just read. Today I forced myself to sit down and read my Bible. I even read some from a Christian magazine I get "Above Rubies." I kept finding really good advice for my worries and concerns but I just didn't want to listen. I wanted something to happen NOW. I am tired of being worried sick about finances.

I didn't treat Chris very nice today either. When I worry I pass it on to him because he is partly responsible for our financial situation. He has the same worries I do, and because he doesn't talk about them like I do, I just assume he's not thinking about it. God really has a way of putting me in my place when I step out of line. I felt terrible for treating Chris badly. I have to focus on myself and my actions and he has to do the same for himself. I tend to focus more on what he should be doing instead of what I should be doing.

I was angry and I didn't want to do the right thing, because it would mean I couldn't be mad. I want to be mad! I want to make someone feel what I feel. Who better than the person I love the most, my husband. Why is it we humans do things like that to the people we love most in this world?

Finally... at about 2:00 pm today I gave in. I prayed and asked God to just please provide. I asked him to please help me trust him, and trust in Chris. I told him I was angry, hurt and scared. I told him I don't understand what he wants me to do or which direction to go. A few minutes after my prayer a customer came into our store and picked up all his sisters jewelry out of pawn. Another customer came in and another and another. God is faithful and he answers prayer.

And if that wasn't enough, Chris applied for a job and has an interview tomorrow morning. He was pretty sure from the man he talked to that he would get the job. It is a job for the City, and has benefits. A good job in our town, God definitely answers prayer. I wish I had more faith so when I come to times of testing like these I don't totally fail. I'm glad God is full of grace and mercy. I need all of that I can get.

Wow! I wrote this after Brett was born last year. It's amazing how quickly you forget some things. I wanted to stick this up here as a reminder. God is everywhere.


God’s Fingerprints
Lately the television show CSI has become quite popular in our household. Chris loves watching CSI, it is the only TV show he watches. He would rather play games than watch TV. I like to watch with him (when it’s not too creepy) and it’s interesting to see how they solve some of their cases. I find it amazing that everyone has their very own unique set of fingerprints that can be left behind on objects they touch.
On December 17th, 2004 our third child was born. Brett Aubrey Horn, born at 9:11 AM. Weighing in at 7 pounds 13 ounces and 21 inches long. We were scheduled for a C-Section at 9:00 AM, but were fortunate enough to get to go in early. They started at 8:40.
When they wheeled me out into the hallway on my way to the operating room I was starting to panic. I don’t know why, after all I’d been through this twice before. Since Chris couldn’t come into the operating room until after they gave me a spinal block I didn’t really have anyone there to comfort me. I felt really alone. And then I remembered Deuteronomy 31:6. Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. Right there in the hallway I prayed. I asked God to hold my hand because I was scared. I felt alone, and then, I felt him holding my hand. Apparently when I left the room on my way to the operating table, Chris also began to feel very nervous, and was saying a prayer of his own.
The doctors were so wonderful. They helped me to calm down by talking to me and explaining everything they were doing. They gave me a spinal block to numb me from the chest down. This way I could be awake when our baby was born. When they laid me on the table I could feel myself going numb. The nurse was busy putting belts on me to monitor the baby’s heartbeat. She was having some trouble I could tell because her and the doctor were talking about not being able to find a good place to monitor from.
I was not feeling very well at this time, and they couldn’t give me anything for anxiety until the baby was out. I could still feel some pain when they pinched me so my doctor knew he couldn’t start cutting. Then the nurse found a heartbeat, but the news was not good. The baby’s heartbeat had gone from 178 down to 80! I remember hearing my doctor say "We’re going to have to put her to sleep and do this now, the baby doesn’t like what we’ve done."
I was really not myself at this time so I didn’t know that I needed to be concerned. All I could think about was trying to breathe so I would not be sick. Just when the doctor was about to order me to be put to sleep to resume the operation, the spinal took full effect and they brought Chris in and began the operation.
After a few minutes I heard the doctor say something about an abruption, and lots of blood. It worried me cause I knew they had taken the baby out, but I hadn’t heard him cry yet. I thought they were talking about the baby. I kept asking Chris why he wasn’t crying. He just told me they were cleaning him up, and then I heard him cry. I felt much better after that.
When the operation was over my doctor explained to me what had happened. I had a premature separation of the placenta, called abruption, which is a devastating hemorrhaging event that can result in death of the baby and possibly even to the mother.
The more I think about this situation the more I see evidence of the presence of God. I call it God’s fingerprints. I never realized it before but God leaves fingerprints all over our lives. In this situation it was God who made sure we were in the operating room early, so Brett Aubrey Horn could be born healthy. God knew what was coming and he took care of us, and just in case I or anyone else tried to give the credit to someone else, like the doctors, or fate, he left his fingerprints. Brett weighed the same as our daughter Emily when she was born. Both 7 pounds and 13 ounces. They were also the same length, 21 inches. And even better he was born at 9:11 AM. Chris and I were married on 9-11-99. A coincidence some might say, but I say it’s evidence, God’s fingerprints, he was there.
Some of you might think that I’m just an emotional woman, who just went through a frightening ordeal. I agree, but I still believe God left evidence of his presence in that operating room. I also believe if we look hard enough, we would all see God’s fingerprints in our lives. You don’t have to be a detective to find them. You just need faith and God’s Holy Spirit to guide you. I praise God for our new healthy baby boy. I praise God for this wonderful testimony he’s given me. I just wanted to share it with all of you. I love each and everyone of you and am thankful to have you in my life. Take a little time to praise God and thank him for all things, and have a Merry Christmas.
Kristie Sue Horn

Is capital Punishment Murder???

This morning I turned on my msn messenger and there's always this little news popup thingy that comes up, today there was a story about Stanley Tookie Williams. I don't follow the news very much, especially stories like this. I couldn't believe some of the things in this story though. People really are clueless in this country... I am seeing that more and more every day. Maybe I'm just getting old :p.

A quote from this news story: After he was declared dead, his supporters shouted in unison: "The state of California just killed an innocent man," as they walked out of the chamber.
Mr. Tookie was if you don't know a founding member of the Crips gang in California.

Williams was condemned in 1981 for gunning down convenience store clerk Albert Owens, 26, at a 7-Eleven in Whittier and killing Yen-I Yang, 76, Tsai-Shai Chen Yang, 63, and the couple's daughter Yu-Chin Yang Lin, 43, at the Los Angeles motel they owned.

Now he has said that he is reformed. Apparently he's wrote some childrens books to help teach kids about the dangers of gangs. That's all sweet and nice, but it's also been said that he's shown absolutely no remorse for the crimes he committed. How in the world can his supporters possibly have the nerve to call him innocent.

This man was not murdered, he was punished according to California state law. It was just and right. I know everyone has a right to disagree with me, but Capital punishment is not murder. It has been a practice of people world wide since the dawn of time. There is a reason for it. If we let murderer's and terrorists live then we might as well accept terror as a way of life. I am not willing to do that and I say twenty-four years was entirely too long to wait to execute this man who killed four people in cold blood.

LOL Don't feed the animals!

Chris had a great time at the paintball tournament yesterday. I wish I would have been able to go it looked like so much fun. It was different than most tournaments. You didn't have any paint going onto the field. You had to run out at the start of each game and grab presents that were set out all over the field. The presents had random things in them. Some had paint grenades, paintballs, gift certificates or nothing at all.

The teams were random. When you got there they put your name in a hat and they drew teams. Chris's team came in sixth out of seven teams :p. I told him not to feel bad, at least he didn't get last. The prize for first place was some decorated toilet plungers :p That's funny!

I'm excited about our tournament coming up this Saturday. I actually get to play! Yay! It's my first tournament so I'm a little nervous. I hope I don't suck too bad. I hope I don't win either or people might think it's rigged since it's our own tournament. I had to play though, we didn't have enough people to make up a team. I wanted to play anyway so it's not a bad thing.

Chris took some pictures at the tournament yesterday. I'm not in them but my gun is ;) Travis is shooting my gun in one and Chris in another. There's also a picture of some random people opening up the presents during a game. Wish I coulda played.

We all missed church today :( It will be a long week until next Sunday. It always is when we miss church. Brett was so pitiful last night. I had him sleep with me propped up on pillows to help his ear ache. He would wake up and just squirm and whimper because his ear hurt him so bad. There's really nothing I can do for him though. I just laid next to him and rubbed his back and tummy to try to help him relax. I kept giving him Tylenol to help him feel better also. Poor little guy. I hate it when the little one's get sick.

Chris had a paintball tournament in Springfield to go to, so we've all been home alone today. I'm kind of bummed out. Probably cause I've been home doing nothing for three whole days! Well I guess I haven't really done nothing... I had the parade and taking Brett to the doctor yesterday ;) I'll probably feel better when I go back to work tomorrow. Nothing like being in a pawnshop to get your spirits up :p And if that don't work there's lots of guns so nobody mess with me >)

Poor Brett :( He has a terrible ear infection. He was acting funny last night, really fussy and wouldn't sleep. All yesterday and today he's been really clingy. He wants to be held all the time. He will just sit by you on the couch or bed and not move around trying to get into everything like normal.

He was sitting with me earlier today and I he had yucky green mucus running out of his ear. It really freaked me out. So I called the doctor and I had to take him to urgent care in Springfield. Apparently he has ear infections in both ears. The one ear is so bad. I feel terrible for him but I didn't know. He hasn't been fussy at all except last night. Usually when a baby has an ear ache they are really fussy. He doesn't really act sick at all.

The doctor gave him some antibiotics and ear drops for the really bad ear. I hope he gets better soon. I hate to think that he is hurting. Emily is doing a good job of taking care of him though. He sure loves his big sister.

Oh My Gosh! I have never been so cold in all my life! It wasn't freezing cold today thankfully, but the wind was killer. It wasn't blowing really hard but with wind chill it was about 16 degree's outside. We had the Christmas parade thing today so we were out in the cold for like two hours! It wouldn't have been so long if we'd known how it all worked. We didn't even need to be on the float until like 9:45 am. We got out there at like 9:00! There were nine of us and we were frozen by the time it was over with.

Emily was so cold. I had a blanket and she had her head and everything all tucked up under it. When we actually started moving it was a lot better. We didn't notice the cold so much since we had fun throwing candy. I thought we had enough candy I bought like ten bags, but we all ran out of candy before we even made it to the square. A little boy about Emily's age in our group (Trevor) was so funny. Every time he would throw a piece of candy he would say "Here ya go dude! Have some chocolate! Merry Christmas!" I was laughing the whole way. Luckily none of the little kids hit anyone with their candy.

After it was all over we were running for the van to get warm, and I tripped over a stinkin' speed bump! I did a total belly flop right there on the pavement. It was pretty funny, but it took forever for my hand to quit stinging cause it was so cold. Next year we are definitely having a float with some wind blockage. And I'm gonna remember that speed bump. :p

I got to take the day off today. :) Chris is so nice. Emily didn't have school again today. I'm not sure why... I think they cancelled again because of the cold. It was single digit cold this morning. It was nice not to have to drag all the kids out in it. Chris went down and opened the store today. I didn't have to go to work at all :o) Not that I didn't work though. I cleaned the whole house, with the help of Emily and Logan. I even cleaned the refrigerator... It still smells funny though. There was a tomato in there hiding behind some stuff that went bad and I can't get the stink out of it. Anyone know any refrigerator stink removing tricks? :p

Tomorrow is the City Christmas Parade. We have a float for our church youth group in the parade. It was so cold this whole week that we didn't get to really decorate the trailer, but we painted signs Wednesday night for all the kids to hold. I went tonight and got candy for them to throw. I hope it's not going to be too cold. I also hope the parents are smart enough to bundle up the kids. I sure will be glad when it's all over with though. I am terrible at organizing things like this. Chris and I are in charge of all the youth stuff at church though so until someone else decides to take over, I'm going to have to get more organized.

We have the church Christmas play coming up on the 18th. That's definitely stressing me out. I still have so much to do and we only have one more practice night left. I try every year to do the simplest thing, but somehow it always turns into a huge deal. I'm good at having fun ;) I'm just horrible at all this planning. It stresses me out!

SNOW!

We got our first snow of the year! Not really much to brag about. Almost an inch. School was closed today because of it so Emily got to come to work in her pj's today. Tomorrow is pajama day at school for kindergarteners, and they get to wear their pj's to school.

I took a picture of our house from down here at the store. We're still working on our addition. Seven year process so far : I'm going to have to put that on my Christmas list every year from now on. On the bright side :) It's cheaper to heat when we're only using two bedrooms ;)

I had Emily and Logan go stand out in the bitter cold so I could take their picture. Kids don't mind the cold like we grown ups though. I was ready to run back in after taking the picture... They wanted to stay out and play in the snow... It's not fun snow though. It's dry and frozen so it doesn't stick. You can't build a snowman with that kind of snow.

I have been informed that I'm slacking off on my blog. SO ;) here we have the updates on the store. Everything it pretty much done. There are a few this's and that's still needing to be done but the big jobs are finished. We lacked a small amount of pink paint in the kids room and we can only get that color by the gallon. So until we find something else that we want to paint pink, there is a small square that didn't get painted. Chris also needs to touch up a few spots in the store area. We went with orange! It brightens the place up and doesn't look nearly as bad as I thought it was going to. I actually like it now.

We have a lot more shelf space now. I have the wonderful job of digging around in all of Jim's things to find more of his stuff to put out for sale. For anyone who didn't know he had a retail store before we opened the gunshop so we are liquidating his things for him, in return for free rent ;). It is a little weird having things like baby dolls, and diapers in a gun & pawn shop hehe but oh well.

The playroom is great to have. Emily was so happy that it was pink. I don't think she will be quite so bummed about coming here after school anymore. They have a lot more privacy and space. The store is a lot more open now and Brett can really scoot around in his walker. I need to put chicken wire around it though because he keeps getting into stuff :p.

Chris and his dad (mostly Chris) did an excellent job getting everything finished. AND GUESS WHAT? The door to the pawn storage area... Actually has a doorknob! It's nice having a good looking store. And funny as it sounds people seem to be spending more money. I think it's because the store looks nice, but it could be because it's Christmas time :p. Who knows who cares, it's all the same in the end. GIMME ALL YOUR CASH! ;) Merry Christmas.

Brrrr... It was so cold playing paintball today! We didn't have a lot of people show up. Chris Thomas, our regular fanatic was there with his wife Sharon and two kiddo's. They didn't get there until like 3:oo... Kelsey came with us of course. She is a girl who goes to church with us. Tony was there too. He is Chris's friend who helps a lot with the Paintball field and such.

Kelsey and I spent most of the first hour burning leaves off the speedball field. We got half the field raked and burned. I love burning stuff and raking leaves. Every week since it's been cold enough I have had a fire out there. There are still a ton of leaves though. I don't think I'll get it done only going out one day a week.

Tony usually brings his camera and takes pictures, but since there weren't many people he didn't take any today. I'll post an old picture to go along with this post. We've been practicing for the upcoming tournament. I am actually going to be on a team! Chris Thomas, Jason Hicks and me. We did a few practice games today but that was about it. Tony shot Kelsey in the hand, and it looked bad. Her fingers were swollen and bleeding. She needs some gloves, I think after today she will get some. It looked painful.

Church was good today too. We are still studying the book of John in our Sunday school class. Brother Brad preached a really good message about sticking with God through faith and not feelings. It was reassuring to me. Sometimes I don't really feel saved but it's good to have faith and know that I am. Today was all in all a pretty good day. :o)

Emily has been acting so strange for the last week and a half. She was sick over Thanksgiving weekend, and she kind of laid around a lot. The day after Thanksgiving she spent with her Grandpa Horn and cousin Devin. They played Playstation almost all day and she seemed to enjoy herself. This whole last week of school she has just been miserable though. Chris has taken her to school every day and we have taken turns picking her up. Tuesday when Chris dropped her off her teacher Miss Lenz even asked her if she'd lost her smile.

I talked to the mother of Emily's best friend Lauren, and she said their teacher had sent a note home saying Lauren had been picking on Emily. I tried asking Emily some questions to see what was bothering her earlier that day, but she would only say she didn't really like going to the store every day that she would rather go home. I asked her again that night after talking to Lauren's mom, if something was bothering her. She insisted that Lauren didn't do anything to make her sad and she didn't know why she was sad.

Tonight we went shopping. She got to pick out lots of things to put on her Christmas list, and she bought this cute musical bunny. I know she was really tired when we got home, but she kept crying and being upset. Chris and I both sat down and talked with her again and for now she is pretty happy. I am hoping she will cheer up I don't understand why a five year old would be depressed.

Right now we are trying to do something to make her feel special. We're all sleeping in the living room... Me on the couch... Chris, Logan and Emily on the floor. We are watching Herbie Fully Loaded. She has cheered up and is giggling and smiling. Maybe we just need to take more special time just for her so she feels special. I try to remember what it was like when I was a five year old, but it's not always that easy when she won't talk to me. She just keeps saying she doesn't know why she is sad.

I'm going to keep praying for her and anyone reading this please pray too ;) It's not easy being a five year old little girl. It's also not easy being the mother of a five year old.

Things are getting done, not as fast as I thought but that's to be expected. You always run into snags and things usually take longer than you expect when you're remodeling. We are still waiting on carpet. If the guys who are going to lay it can't get in today or by the time Chris finishes the sheet rock then Chris is going to just get the carpet and lay it himself. Chris is a man of many talents ;). I'm excited to get to fix up the room for the kids. It's still not clean so I don't have any pictures of it yet. Chris's dad (Jim) is almost finished insulating the ceiling. Glad I didn't have that job... It was the itchy kind :p. The new ceiling and lights are up mostly and it looks really nice. We don't have quite enough counters to go around where we need them so Chris will probably be building more if we don't just get new ones. Depends on our budget ;). Logan put on some magnifying glasses and has been walking around checking things out. He's our little inspector. Silly boy.

Okay moving this wall was so scary. I kept thinking any minute now it was going to fall down and squish me. I think Chris had the hardest job holding up his end though. He did a good job. We got it moved and now I am taking a break. We put up the guns and ammo. They are going to start working on the ceiling as soon as they get everything measured and all that good stuff that I don't take part in. The kids have their own room but I definitely need to clean that up before taking any pictures of it! Yes it's scary. We had someone come in and measure to put more carpet down so that should be done by the end of the week hopefully. I can't really move any of the counters onto the open space because I don't want to have to move them back to lay carpet. Now I get to deal with everyone coming in and telling me about how we moved things. Like I don't know that! :p Oh well I guess it's all part of life. People have to comment on the obvious.

NO FAIR! No Jury Duty for me. The dude pleaded guilty right before court started so they didn't need a Jury anymore. Is it wrong that I'm the only one in the courtroom (out of about 60 people) who was disappointed? Everyone around me was hootin' and cheering, I was bummed. I don't know why I've always wanted Jury duty but it's just another one of my weird things I guess. I just get to watch Chris work more on the building. It should be done today and I can post more pictures.