Today has been such a stressful day for me. I am so worried about finances that I just can't think about anything else. I know that God wants me to trust him, and not worry and fret over the future. I try so hard to do that, and mostly I fail. I always feel like there is something I should be doing or something that I am not doing right. I worry that our family's financial struggles are my fault, because I am not following God's direction. It's so hard to know what direction God wants me to go. Especially when I'm not listening to him, because I am so worried about this's and that's.

When I start to worry I have a hard time concentrating on anything. That keeps me from reading my Bible, because who wants to read when you have to reread the same sentence five times because you forget what you've just read. Today I forced myself to sit down and read my Bible. I even read some from a Christian magazine I get "Above Rubies." I kept finding really good advice for my worries and concerns but I just didn't want to listen. I wanted something to happen NOW. I am tired of being worried sick about finances.

I didn't treat Chris very nice today either. When I worry I pass it on to him because he is partly responsible for our financial situation. He has the same worries I do, and because he doesn't talk about them like I do, I just assume he's not thinking about it. God really has a way of putting me in my place when I step out of line. I felt terrible for treating Chris badly. I have to focus on myself and my actions and he has to do the same for himself. I tend to focus more on what he should be doing instead of what I should be doing.

I was angry and I didn't want to do the right thing, because it would mean I couldn't be mad. I want to be mad! I want to make someone feel what I feel. Who better than the person I love the most, my husband. Why is it we humans do things like that to the people we love most in this world?

Finally... at about 2:00 pm today I gave in. I prayed and asked God to just please provide. I asked him to please help me trust him, and trust in Chris. I told him I was angry, hurt and scared. I told him I don't understand what he wants me to do or which direction to go. A few minutes after my prayer a customer came into our store and picked up all his sisters jewelry out of pawn. Another customer came in and another and another. God is faithful and he answers prayer.

And if that wasn't enough, Chris applied for a job and has an interview tomorrow morning. He was pretty sure from the man he talked to that he would get the job. It is a job for the City, and has benefits. A good job in our town, God definitely answers prayer. I wish I had more faith so when I come to times of testing like these I don't totally fail. I'm glad God is full of grace and mercy. I need all of that I can get.